So I've had a major up & down few weeks. After being relieved to get a suggested OCD diagnosis from my CBT therapist, in short the past few weeks have been about me mainly putting a fake positive/take action front on while desperately panicking about the fact I might have a chronic anxiety issue, and trying anything possible to 'fix' it while probably in quite a bit of denial.
I started to really do something useful the last time I blogged however; face up to the fact I need help, both medically and also from people around me including work. I've only today (7 days into my SSRIs kicking in) realised to what extent SHAME has been keeping my anxiety going as well as my lack of self-compassion.
I've been off work now for 10 days, starting at the beginning of last week when I was just too knackered to get out of bed. I emailed my boss saying it was a 'stiff neck' and then the next day 'stress' because I was too ashamed to admit what was really going on - I was exhausted and scared after 5-6 weeks of trying to deal with an anxiety relapse on my own, while being in no fit mind to do so.
Finally this week I owned up; said I had anxiety issues and explained my fear of flying, not being able to let my husband drive the car etc etc. I felt really weird telling him that and pretty ashamed at having to admit to my 'weakness'. Thing is I didn't HAVE to admit it but I think a part of me is working out that keeping this from people is also making it hard for ME to accept I have some form of anxiety disorder. Which means I do not treat it and once pills sort it I go back into denial.
For example I can see now that in the weeks running up to my holiday I was ripe for a crash. Not eating properly, working super-fast, worrying about my husband's illness in case we can't keep the house and what would than mean about how we were perceived in terms of 'success', making out I was looking forward to my holiday when in reality I was scared shitless, in case anyone thought I was weird. Not sure whether I can only start to see that now because my brain is getting flooded with serotonin but its true. It wasn't my holiday stress.
Shame is a big deal and is holding me back. So today I went into work and saw my boss and explained in more detail what I had. I also explained it to a few other people who had been worried about me. Almost all had their own tale to tell about depression or stress.
I think what will be important in my recovery is to accept that I have anxiety. This scares me as I worry for the future; can I cope alone, will I have another relapse etc? But if I don't face up to those fears I won't do anything about them eg learn to manage my anxiety properly, which makes future crashes all the more likely.
I've been feeling very depressed about the future you see. While my SSRIs have been kicking in I've had horrible feelings of doom and sadness, and my death fears have been slapping me over the head. I've been to some super dark places in the last week that will take me a little while to recover from.
It might be in part that I am coming up 40; but I think a lot of it is grief coming out that I have a limiting illness. I really do. I don't like it and don't want it in some ways, but even writing that makes me feel stressed. What is better is to try and accept it fully, and accept myself fully, which means feeling no more shame about my condition. Which means being open.
This I think is important to my recovery; to grieve and to rid myself of shame. Grieving the 'perfect' future I have always been certain I was due to have. Not to say I can't still have it, but I'll not get it by denying my limitations/problems, I'll only get it my managing it. Which makes me feel a little bit more positive as I try and learn new ways to deal with this. Maybe if I feel less ashamed of going 'mad' in a plane I will more easily be able to get back on a plane sometime.
I have an appointment with a psychiatrist next week to just see if I can get an official diagnosis of something; if nothing else to check we're not missing anything so I can then continue with my CBT therapy.
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