First and foremost a few days ago a came to the conclusion that, despite me having lasted around 5 weeks with my anxiety at pretty much full whack, the time had come to really engage with the NHS about it as, despite my doubts, I needed some more help and support (as despite me dealing well, an increased chance of recovery I think means accepting help).
I think this has come about as I searched around for the meaning of life while in the throes of my intrusive death thoughts. Although not great that I was ruminating, I came to the conclusion that the meaning of life is accepting things and handing over control, as well as accepting we are all part of a network and really REALLY need other people to be fully the people we can be, we can't do all this shit on our own. Its too lonely and too hard.
Although that conclusion didn't (surprise surprise!) stop the death thoughts, it, combined with a little more Rosen Method massage, made me realise that perhaps in trying to stay SO positive all the time and be SO adamant 'the real me' will deal with this problem, I am kind of missing the point.
Not to say meditation and so on will not help, as it has been, but I'm a human which means the 'real me' is just part of a network which is influenced by so many other people anyway I might as well just use all the tools available to me and not try and be so black and white about who 'me' is.
The only useful learning is that the 'real me' needs help, and has a chronic anxiety issues or issues that will probably wax & wane over my life, that to be honest I should stop trying to find an 'answer' for and accept there may not be an answer. It could be that I just have chemical imbalance and actually need to have pills and a planned support network to be happy. I might always need some pills in fact, as I think looking back over the past 5 years or so my anxiety has actually been creeping back up and affecting all kinds of things in my life.
EG I have been slowly avoiding doing more things, losing touch with friends, being more obsessive about achieving goals, doing my house up in record time in an almost manic way. Spending all my time in the future, planning, worrying, comparing, but not admitting, and often not actually noticing which I think shows the insidiousness of anxiety.
Anyway this morning I went to my local doctor and described my symptoms without trying to diagnose. I did say my CBT therapist suspected OCD but he suggested in all likelihood it was probably a range of anxieties that was the issue/issues. Either way by talking it through (and by me not being a pushover as frankly, GPs are generalists, so what do they know about mental health in detail) we agreed it was worthwhile me getting a psychologist referral to see if there was one stand-out issue, or whether the best diagnosis is 'Generalised Anxiety Disorder'.
He was amazingly not trying to push pills down my throat, saying that the CBT therapy I was already having was probably the best course of treatment, but we did agree I was showing signs of stress and mild depression in dealing with it up to this point. I think that TBH I need a little bit of chemicals to help me do the exposure work I need so I did ask for them. I've lost a little of my enthusiasm for exposure work I guess, as am just so TIRED.
I used to be afraid that if I did ask for pills, that they would be doing the 'exposure' work, not me, but TBH having lasted 5 weeks feeling this bad, and managing to keep going to work etc I think I actually have the constitution of an ox. This week for the first time (I think due to acceptance of my issues) I struggled to go to work as just felt so physically tired and unengaged with work, which made me think long & hard about my 'do it alone' strategy more.
You see I think I deserve to be happy, and if that means being able to continue to go to work and keep TRYING to overcome my fears that is the main thing as the trying and the hope is what matters. I will accept any help necessary to do that. Especially as I know my anxiety is not 'me', my negative thoughts are not 'me'. None of that is a reflection of who I really am. I think I need the pills to help me build myself up, but I came to this conclusion myself not out of panic as I did before. I didn't run to the pills, I asked for them in full knowledge.
Of course I could just be kidding myself I'm in control?! Haha. But somehow I feel better for not doing a knee jerk and really thinking.
Linked into this is I think my acceptance of my anxiety now. Well, my ROAD to acceptance. I think some of my social issues in the past - eg avoiding making new friends etc - is because I never feel I can be free about who I really am with people. That I have 'dark secrets' I cannot share. I have now decided that I will be open about my mental health issues in future once I have decided a person is able to hear it. I don't think I do have 'dark secrets' or a particularly fucked-up past. I have a few dodgy genes and an overacting reptilian brain.
My friends think I am probably reasonably perfect and massively stable and don't need anyone. They have no idea how far that is from the truth and I really DO need them, and more of them, and actually get to know the ones I have properly. Equally, as I am always poised for action, I am EXCELLENT in an emergency myself should they need me as I have such finely tuned fight or flight reactions, and a brain as lithe and fast as an antelope due to my rumination practice. I'm not a victim. I might just need a lay down once in a while.
I'm not going to 'come out' just yet as would like to stablilise on my pills a little and make sure I am not adding too much pressure, but then I'm going to do something like run a 10k marathon and tell my friends about my problems. I think I will try and use my condition as a yardstick. If someone is freaked out and unable to deal with it, I imagine that deep down we are probably not really similar people. I always used to worry what people thought of me, TBH after facing the last 5 weeks I'm not sure I give much of a shit. I don't need people to know and care about an idealised version of me, I need them to care about me, just as I need to know and care about the real them. We all carry our armour and no-one has a clue who's really undeneath all that.
Rant over. I also called my mum for some help, she's coming to hang out with me this week as I wasn't feeling strong enough today to be on my own. Next week I might feel better, and enjoy a solo night in watching all kinds of trashy telly.
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