So this weekend I drove on the motorway, including joining the motorway at that point that I normally get very stressed. I also allowed my husband to drive all the way from my mum's (about 2 hours away) back home. Not to mention also visiting my ill relative in hospital which was stressful in itself, as she is not certain to recover.
So that is both Number 1 and Number 2 attempted on my exposure list. My immediate feedback is that I need to take some more time later today to be pleased with myself about these. I was happy about both at the time - I do tend however after the act to think to myself 'I might not be able to do that again' but that is my OCD, or doubt, talking. I suppose I do not like the idea that I need to keep doing these things until I have exposed myself enough to get over it.
I should remember though that for both of these I did not feel that much fear however save for the odd 'out of control' moment. Maybe this is why I don't feel as if I really tested myself? But I was very much 'in the moment' - eg when I was overtaking a car on the motorway I decided to take each second as it came and focused on the task, instead of my normal thought process which is 'I must overtake as soon as possible or I might go mad!'. As I wasn't thinking the latter, I didn't feel half as bad.
Perhaps there is a part of me that just thinks, 'It can't be that easy? It can't be just as easy as 'being in the moment. What if I fall out of being in the moment?'. But I suppose this is normal - these are both only the first times in a long time I have either done these things or approached them in a new way. That new way is still 'new' and not automatic, so I need to just keep doing them, be in the moment, and give myself a break as I make a transition in my life approach.
Afterall they weren't THAT BAD so what's the problem. And if I do fall back into old ways of thinking, the answer is I guess to just feel the fear and then try to get myself back in the moment.
I do, in an underlying way, feel as if somehow I have gained a little more 'control' by allowing myself to be 'out of control', especially with the latter - I don't think I've let my husband drive the car for more than a few minutes for the best part of a year. This is a success. Today I achieved, but I need to continue to try and do them as often as possible, as well as focus on the positive not the, 'Oh god, this is just a start, I've got so much more to do.'
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