Compassion, meditation, and a bit of massage

I've spending a little time thinking about compassion recently. Partly because its a word that has been coming up a fair bit in my CBT - the need for me to not beat myself up when I perhaps do 'fall off the wagon' and ruminate, and also not to be angry with myself for having anxiety issues. But also because it comes up a lot when reading about meditation - not sure if I have mentioned but I have been learning to meditate recently as thought it might help me 'slow down' and start to be able to detach myself from my thoughts while at the same time becoming more aware of my feelings and my body as a whole. I've been using a mixture of the Headspace app and reading/using Jon Kabat Zinn's Mindful Way Through Depression book & CD.

I particularly like the Headspace videos.

I've found meditation to be pretty effective so far - I have noticed a sense of calm coming over me on occasion, and also I have noticed that by 'sitting with feelings' their power seems to be not quite as strong afterwards. I sat for a while with several layers of what felt like 'purple' fear a week or so ago and certainly felt that the fear had less power....though that's not totally correct.. how to describe it? It almost felt as if I became more aware of two of me; one who is calmer and more grounded (perhaps the real me? Hope so) and a second person who is, it feels, constantly on edge and in fear. After that meditation session it was weird as I could almost 'hear' the anxious person almost screaming away in the background, where as 'I' felt more calm. 

Not sure if this just made me more aware of just how much anxious thinking/feeling is in reality surging through my body and mind, and for the first time I can actually see or hear it, though equally its power is slightly diminished.

So how to stop that person screaming? I think I might have figured something out, but its still a road I'm travelling. Compassion. I've become more aware of the relationship with mind and body as part of my meditation - when I think difficult thoughts that perhaps I am resisting, or am experiencing strong feelings, my body tightens. Its often around my shoulders and around my head and jaw especially - all around my brain basically! To help me to tap into that more I decided that I would treat myself, to the first time in my life, a massage. I didn't want to do any old massage but perhaps one that would complement my meditation and CBT work, so plumped to try the Rosen Method last night with a practitioner in London.

The Rosen Method is not really massage, a therapist 'reads' the tension in your body and then gently manipulates/touches the muscles and soft tissue around that area to try and help the body relax and in turn help the mind free up. Its not got the same clinical evidence base as CBT or meditation does, but also I do increasingly think that bodywork is important to maintain a healthy mind and emotions, and perhaps touch is more important than we realise. I mean, if you loved your car you wouldn't just spend all your money on keeping the engine in good condition, you'd also spend time ensuring the paint was polished and the lights worked!

I found the experience quite strange. At times I felt like it was 'hard to breathe' when the practitioner touched parts of my body, but as she worked them it felt as if my breathing improved. I also felt my body shudder on a few occasions and felt a pins & needles-y feeling in my legs. 

The biggest difference came later though when I got home - I found that a feeling just kept returning and returning (one I had that was related to the 'screaming') but it was one up until then I had resisted engaging with. The feeling I guess was a mixture of fear and depression/sadness - fear I think that if I felt sad I would stay that way, and perhaps become a true 'depressive' and be 'out of control'. So I decided I would try and talk about it, but waited til my husband got home so I could talk about it safely and also 'feel' with a safe person nearby.

While trying to explain it I dissolved into a massive fit of tears which was scary but afterwards I felt so much better - certainly not totally okay, but almost as if I can reach parts of my lungs again, that I can breathe more deeply. I am aware now of a feeling of 'heaviness' in my chest but it sort of feelings like the screaming has in part moved out of my head into my lungs where perhaps now I can start breathing it out of my body. When I got up this morning I found it was practically impossible for me to walk quickly - I had to walk slowly - and I felt less on edge for sure.

Anyway I have no idea if it was the Rosen experience, or is a mixture of my CBT, meditation and that, but I do think that having a level of trust in myself where one did not exist before is helping. That trust has been grounded in the CBT work around 'thoughts are just that' and proving that to myself by some of my exposure work, but I think the really hard work is facing up to the feelings, and being compassionate with yourself in allowing you to admit you have those feelings, and feeling them, is essential to recovery. 

I do feel better today there is no doubt; I also feel raw, uncertain of who I am in some ways or where this journey is taking me; but I feel as if I am living in my body not just being trapped in my mind.